I think it’s time for a little talk. I wouldn’t know where to begin. I just know that if I don’t talk about it, eventually, my anxiety will keep stealing things from me.
I go by many names and so do many when it comes to the internet. I’ve sailed the interwebs, and have interacted with many people around it. Yet, I’ve never, ever made contact with any of the people I’ve met in real life. It breaks me as a person, because I’ve found a lot of amazing people out there. It sinks me to despair, but it’s all a mental fluff that… well, thing about mental stuff is that it keeps you down, on a short leash for many, many years.
I never bothered to treat my condition, whatever it is, because I can’t self-diagnose myself and say I have “social anxiety”. The more I read though, it feels like it is what I have. Yet, I’m no professional.
So I do suffer, and perhaps I’ve given my back to people I didn’t want to do that to. Sometimes the amount of anxiety breaks me, but once I take control as I have done this year, I push back and talk myself out of it.
And you know, thinking about it… I was never good with people. Sometimes I wondered why they were getting so riled up about. It felt a tad… silly that they would get mad about things. But… I do get mad about things and chalk it up to just… human things. I think, not having that emotional development thwarted any possible growth. Then again, I wasn’t good with conflict either. Most of the time it was just easy to not deal with the emotion, and remain stoic as possible and say you don’t care.
Not caring is the go-to action for many. Sometimes, deservedly so. You don’t want any extra baggage to process, and perhaps the person gone through a lot already. There’s always a why on the not caring subject no matter if the person says there’s no reason behind it. At least that’s what I believe.
People talking about issues usually begins with a source of grief. Sadly, I’ve forgotten mine. There’s only anxiety, it was the only thing that ever was in my life, became an extension of me. I’d like to get rid of that extension… live life in a healthier manner than desperately scanning a whole area of strangers and calculating possible routes to avoid them. Such a metal gear thing to do.
I’d like to believe that everyone goes through a personal hell. I’ve learned to never compare my issues to someone whether the person is on the deep end, or faring better than me. It doesn’t take me joy saying, “that’s your issue? worrying about [x] thing? pfft I’ve had it harder”, it always came off as a prick thing to say, undermining the person and the issue with little to no respect to the individual going through it. So, whenever someone comes to me with their issues I just lend an ear, and toss in a few guidances if I can… but usually I can’t, because the person becomes tied to what I say then and relies on the next directions, until the person finds an impossible situation and blames me for all the pointers. So, I’ll just lend an ear, perhaps an advice… but everything else has to be you.
As for the people that spout that attitude I mentioned above. I’d rather steer clear and find positive people that isn’t on a sadistic path. I feel they’ll take you down as soon as they get bored. Instant gratification sort of thing.
Anyway, I felt like writing a post about this because it was long overdue. There are very, very few individuals that knows about this. After I click publish, so will the world and that’s okay. This is mostly for me than for them.
I feel like I could go on writing many pages but… long-winded rambling isn’t my thing.